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All the soothsayers, astrological experts and future-telling gurus are coming out of the woodwork today. The last day of one year and on the threshold of a new year, everybody is spouting predictions of doom and gloom. Granted the political, social and economic state of Egypt warrants such predictions, but must they be so very vaguely specific, so gloomily optimistic and so fuzzily concise? After listening to a few of them I have come out of all they said that 2014 will be:
A year that starts off with violence with peace during the middle and then violence again towards the end, or maybe the other way around. That the economy will flourish, but only when it was not dropping like a rock. That it will be a pretty happy year except when tragedy strikes, and quite safe except when terrorism prevails!!
Having concentrated very hard on all those specific/vague predictions, I now have a very defined picture of what 2014 will be like. So, let me, a non soothsayer, non astrological expert and a non future-telling guru, tell you my predictions for 2014.
First and foremost, this year will bring about the end of the MB, their followers and supporters. Their end will be quite horrific, for a large number of them will die of stroke after listening to the Egyptian peoples’ jokes about them. A smaller portion will commit suicide after being bombarded by the Teslam el Ayadi song, and the remaining few would go mad with frustration after seeing the ludicrous attempts of the government officials trying to combat them.
Second. The war in Sinai will be gloriously won by the Egyptian army after patiently and continuously and monotonously chasing and gently arresting all the terrorists running around loose there. The terrorists would reach a point of such boredom, they would gladly strap on bombs and detonate them within their own camps, just for the sake of some action.
Third, the economy. A miracle will occur that would put the Egyptian economy at par with that of the USA and Europe. These two will suffer such economic disasters as to become comparable only to the Egyptian economy in negative genius. It is not an easy task, but with determination and perseverance these two economies will reach the same bottomless pit where the Egyptian economy is now residing.
Fourth, the state of safety and security within Egypt. The army is too busy boring the terrorists to death in Sinai, so this leaves the police. Their method of tracking and trapping all those who disturb the peace and who commit crimes borders on the genius. They know who exactly they are, where to find them and how to stop them, but their diabolical plan is to stare them into stupor, till they have no option but to either give themselves up, or shoot themselves in the head. Thus peace and safety prevails when there are no criminals left.
Finally, the rule of Egypt. The constitution will be passed in a landslide vote of 95% of all those who voted! a new government is put in place which is going to be as inefficient as the current one, if not more, and the country will amble about, led by doddering geriatrics to the endless frustration of anyone with an iota of brains or ambition. In other words, business as usual.
On a personal level, the Egyptian people will attain their goal of a Guinness Book of world records in the number of demonstrations per day over the longest period in time. They will amaze the world by their versatility in making up funny slogans that actually rhyme, and their unbelievable peacefulness in the face of frustrated violence. The annual flood will return to the Nile after being hooked up to the Congo as the high Dam in Aswan will not be able to hold all the water flowing in. We will lose quite a few crops and livestock to the flood, but people will be so happy to see the Nile overflow again after the threat of drying up, that nobody will really mind the ensuing shortages. The weather will permanently turn into extreme cold during a now lengthy winter, but the joy of playing in the snow will outweigh the inconvenience of everything else like traffic accidents and power failures. The people will continue making the funniest jokes about themselves and the world at large.
So my predictions for 2014 are all good, or bad, depending on your point of view, and on your mood on reading them.
Happy 2014!