This cannot continue, something will have to give. Probably me. This is unbearable. Since 10 am up till now 3.30 pm I have been CONTINUOUSLY ministering to her aches and pains, and NOTHING works, NOTHING. I gave her the allowed pain killers and they did nothing, I have even been humoring her about all sorts of ropes that she feels are tying her and hurting her. It kills me that she is in pain, but there is nothing more I can do and this is driving me crazy.
I am starting to resent the whole situation, I am getting very angry and unfortunately cannot vent this anger on the pain so am trying to control it. This isn’t working either. My teeth ache my jaws ache, I am clenching my teeth so hard I hear them creaking. I am waiting for the herbal tranquilizer either Sunday or Monday, when my cousin could send it to me. Till then I hope to God I can hold on to my temper.
I am furious with the so called doctors who were supposed to have been treating her at the hospital. Those idiots, when suspecting cancer, why did they not suggest an MRI? Why immediately suggest a biopsy which is invasive and would have subjected her to no end of complications? Now there is no conclusive diagnosis of any malignancy, so the pertinent pain killers cannot be dispensed. What is this? Is this supposed to be medicine? Is this human care?
She is continuously complaining of some rough threads in her throat, and continuously trying to spit them out. After some time she starts gagging in an attempt to get rid of those “threads”. I tried giving her all kinds of liquids to sooth that feeling, cold and hot and warm and room temperature, smooth drinks and even granulated drinks, nothing helps. I tried yogurt, all kinds of soups, nothing. I’m at my wit’s end.
Finally, 4 pm. My shift is over and I can go have lunch. But cannot eat yet, my stomach has to settle first. Am sitting out on the balcony, as far away from her bedroom as possible so I don’t hear her gagging or her pain. Blissful, heavenly quiet. Very strange weather for mid February. It is actually warm, with a very slight breeze, just the rustling of the leaves. Heaven. A deep, deep breath. I want to savor every second of peace and quiet and very deeply resent any intrusion. I need the re-charging time. This is MY time, for ME. In all the 24 hours of the day, this is now time for me.
Have calmed down enough to be able to try my soup. Tasty, warm and smooth, it is soothing the knotted spasm of my throat and stomach. One spoonful at a time. I am trying to empty my mind of everything, of all my worries, all my stress, just listening to a pigeon cooing. There are a few very white, very high clouds in a light blue sky. The huge tree in front of me had shed all it’s green leaves and there are a few orange buds and one or two flowers out already. In a couple of weeks it will be covered with orange flowers, then these will fall and the green leaves will cover it till the end of November. Nature is so beautiful and so soothing, why must there be pain and ugliness? No. I will stay in the quiet, peaceful cocoon as long as I can.
Another salvation is following news on Facebook. Somehow I cannot watch TV anymore. With Facebook I can always shut it off in mid sentence then come back to it when I can, not so with TV. Chatting with friends on Facebook, when I can, is also a distraction. Telephone calls are a bit more stressful and sometimes come at the most inopportune times. Have now trained myself not to answer when the time is not right. Quite often it feels like claws pulling at me in different directions, so am now ignoring those that I can, to be able to give attention and care to the demands and needs of my Mom.
I have to find a solution to the problem now developing with the woman giving her care. My Mom has now become quite aggressive towards her, and the woman isn’t very bright and quite ignorant and cannot understand that it is her pain that makes her so aggressive. I keep explaining it to her and keep pacifying her, but I really don’t know how long that will last. If she leaves, I am done for. I simply cannot cope. I don’t have the physical strength to lift my Mom, and don’t have the spiritual, mental and emotional fortitude to stand the assault of those two diseases, Alzheimer’s and cancer.
God give me the strength to carry on, the wisdom to know how and the fortitude to withstand the pain, forgive her her trespasses and put Your heeling hand to her ailing mind and body, lift her mental and physical anguish and in Your kindness give her the peace which only You can give. Dear God, You are the only One who can see what is in each person’s heart, You are the only Judge, if we have sinned, by commission or omission, please forgive us, for not only is she going through the fires now, but so am I, so please forgive us and let Your peace descend upon us. Amen.