As though I have not been through enough those past few weeks, now everywhere I look I see an advertisement for Mother’s Day. If Fate is mocking me, rubbing my face in my pain, it could not have done a better job.
Realizing that March 21, the day all Egypt celebrates Mother’s Day, would probably be a very difficult day for me, having lost mine so recently, I had decided that I would spend it away from all media, no FB, no TV no going out to anywhere public where probably, the traditional, heart wrenching “Mother” song would be blaring from every conceivable outlet. But I did not reckon with how diabolical Fate can be! Now I keep getting messages on my mobile telling me where to shop for a present for my Mom, where to take her out to lunch or dinner, or where to go for the highest discounts and the best of times. I am sure that if my Mom could see me now she would be finding it extremely amusing to see my discomfort and my antics at trying to avoid all that, only to be brought up short by the most diabolical ways possible by those geniuses of advertising people.
These days I find myself thinking of her a great deal, but no more of her loss. No I am recalling little incidents, certain words, glimpses of expressions, but mainly her laughter and her enjoyment of life. I deliberately turn my mind away from the recent past, the last few weeks of her life, and the past two weeks after she passed away. Today is a fortnight since she passed, and although I no longer cry throughout the day I am still drained. I sleep well, and often much longer than I used to, but I wake up drained of energy. Getting out of bed is a Herculean effort. I no longer leave my days unplanned. I got a painful lesson when I did that the first couple of days I was back home. Now I have a plan for each day, certain chores that should get done. I even make an attempt at actually doing them, but more often than not they don’t get done.
Yesterday was the day for canine culinary duty. This, thank God, was done, or else all my dogs would be starving. By the end of the day I had food for the next couple of weeks for the small dogs, and food for the next couple of days for the big ones. Today though, my task was to clip the hair of the two small dogs and bathe them. They desperately need it as they have not been given much attention since January 15, the first time we went to hospital. But I just could not. No energy. So the dogs are still looking like sheep and are still pretty ripe.
My houseboy is out sick with the flu, so the cleaning of the house falls to me. Have you any idea what keeping a house clean entails when you have two small dogs and five cats in it? Well I can tell you in detail, but I won’t, too horrifying. Needless to say that the first part of my morning, after dragging myself out of bed, and before taking my shower and my breakfast, is cleaning the house after the pets have played Russian roulette with it all night.
The only bright spot is that I have a very nice house guest who is very easy going and who is really trying to help in all ways possible. But I put my foot down at certain things and cannot accept my guest doing, even though she is willing and has actually gone and done them. But this is what makes it great having a friend around. I really do not feel that I have to entertain her, no, she is here for me. She even made a home cooked, delicious meal for lunch today. I could never have done that in a million years.
Another chore, other than clipping and bathing the dogs, is clearing out the fridges. This will probably be another full day task, and I feel exhausted just thinking about it. I think it was either this morning, or yesterday morning, I glanced at my face in the mirror and was taken aback at how pale I was, I thought maybe it was the lighting, so I asked my friend if to her I seemed a bit pale, and she smiled at me and said no, that I was looking much better than a couple of weeks ago! I must have really scared the daylights out of my family and friends, if now, looking like what I saw in the mirror, I am “looking much better”, I must have been a real fright then.
Yesterday I met my FB friends for lunch and it was great. The weather was fantastic, the sun was out but there was a beautiful cool breeze. The food was excellent, and the company was fantastic. I really enjoyed the outing, though this dragging feeling of fatigue keeps dogging me still. We are planning another outing in a couple of days and I am really looking forward to that one as well. I was a bit apprehensive about the first one, but it went much better than I expected, only had a couple of instances when I had to hold tight so as not to cry in public, but I think things went well and nobody noticed anything, except one close friend who just remarked that I was a bit too quiet. If it is just that, well and good. I am hoping that the next outing will be easier, and following outings will get progressively better.
I am now taking my life a day at a time. I am doing well this way. If something is planned, but does not get done, then it could be done another day. If the day ends without any drastic upheaval or a really bad crying jag, then it’s been a good day. I am slowly carving out a new routine into my life, and hopefully that would start getting into a habit that will finally become normal living. My friends and family are all still either calling, or sometimes just texting, to let me know they are thinking of me, and that lifts my sprits no end. The love and warmth of all those people is like a big warm hug at a time when I really need one. Thank you family and friends.
17 March 2014