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There is absolutely no reason for it. Have been keeping busy all day. Planned an outing with my group of ladies, went to a new restaurant. The girls were excited, the weather great, we sat out in the open air, in a lovely shaded spot with a balmy breeze, the flowers were blooming and everything conducive of a great time.
So why? Why this sudden stabbing pain and uncontrollable tears? I really have to get a grip. This is ridiculous. I cannot just go off like that at a casual mention of someone seeing someone unexpected at her funeral. This is totally surprising, this very sudden feeling of realization that she is gone. Yes I know she is gone, but why should that feeling suddenly hit me in the middle of lunch in a beautiful garden? I could barely control my breathing so as not to let on. Thank God for sunglasses.
The girls were all talking, and hopefully nobody noticed. I have not been able to carry my end of a conversation for very long, I have been mainly quiet, too tired and feeling really removed from the general air of festivity, it just turned into “noise” again. I thought I had overcome that, but, surprise, surprise, that sudden onslaught of grief just hits at the most unexpected moments.
The lunch was near the end and that saved me from trying to pretend for much longer. We finally got into the cars and our group wanted to do some shopping. When I told them I needed nothing there were a few seconds of silence as this is a first for me. But I really didn’t. There is so much food in the fridges, it will take me weeks to get through it. We agreed to meet in an hour. I had an hour to get a grip and settle down. I went to the pharmacy for some of my medications which were running out, then went to see if there was anywhere that I could get a battery for my mobile which seemed to be dying on me. Everything’s dying on me. I decided to go get an ice cream cone. I love it. Big mistake. I could barely finish it. It made me sick. I started feeling really unwell. So I went into the supermarket, bought a bottle of water , went out again and took one of my digestive pills. It didn’t help much, but at least I did not throw up.
I went and sat on one of the benches placed next to the escalators to wait for my friends. That is when the second wave hit me. I got up and started wandering through the mall. Nobody notices when you are walking around, if you have tears streaming down your face. I had another twenty minutes to get myself in hand before going back to the car. I don’t know what I did those twenty minutes, but finally it was time and we all started drifting back towards the car. The girls came back with their shopping, loaded it up in the boot, and even overflowed to having some bags in the car with us, then off we went, on our way back home. By that time I felt really sick, like I had the flu. Every muscle in my body ached, I had a splitting headache, and worst of all that horrid stabbing pain I always get right between my shoulder blades where one of my vertebrae was fractured when I had my accident a long time ago. This is always an indication that I am really at a very low ebb, physically. The drive back seemed endless, but I finally got home, could hardly get out of the car, managed it, thanked my friend who drove us there and back, said goodbye and dragged myself into the house. The moment I closed the front door behind me I burst into tears and sobbed all the way up to the floor above.
I was home and the grief just washed over me in huge waves, I was drowning in it. It took me a good few minutes of unrestrained wailing before the storm started to subside. Then I ended up on the sofa in the living room, whimpering with the tears running down my face and my whole body shaking with sobs. I must have finally stopped, and I think I must have dosed off. Sheer exhaustion. I suddenly woke up to a darkened room with the dogs and cats sleeping all around me, snuggled at my feet, next to my neck, by my side, touching me wherever they lay next to me. Comfort. It was like waking up to a lovely warm, furry, loving hug of solace. The moment I started to move they got up and looked at me expectantly. I think they were trying to see if I was going to continue my bout of weeping. This made me smile. They are so beautiful, my little furry family. I stretched my arm and turned on one of the lights, and this seemed to be a signal for some excited frolicking on the part of the dogs, which resulted in a scared scattering of the cats, except for Pixie who is totally deaf and therefore not scared by the barking.
I got up, went to my room, changed into something comfortable then went back to the living room to face a rather long evening. I tried to call my brother but he did not pick up. My best friend called and we chatted for a bit. She sensed that all was not well with me, but she has been the epitome of tact and understanding all throughout. After the call I started surfing the channels on TV for something interesting. Nothing seemed to hold my attention for long. Very restless mood, but physically exhausted so could not walk it off, or work it out by any physical exertion. Went through Facebook but even that did not hold me for long. Finally settled on a film, but after watching it for an hour I discovered that I had not taken in anything of what the story was about. Suddenly I realized that what I needed was the therapy of writing, I needed to purge my soul, I needed to let it all out, my lifeline back to normality, and maybe even to salvation.
25 March 2014

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