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I really wonder how many phases of grief there are? This current phase is one of extreme impatience and irritability. I am so impatient, very irritable and have to use great control not to snap at all and sundry. I have always been rather laid back, very tolerant and quite patient. All this seems to have disappeared. I can barely watch a film on television, half way through I switch to something else.
Today I went on our weekly Ladies Lunch, which we resumed a couple of weeks ago. Most of the time I was gritting my teeth to curb the many caustic remarks that were struggling to jump out of my mouth. These are all my friends, whom I dearly love and whose company I always enjoy. Today I could have strangled a few of them with a clear conscience.
Ever since yesterday I have been feeling this intolerable restlessness that does not seem to find an outlet. Going for my daily exercise of an hour’s brisk walk in the morning has not alleviated this feeling. Reading does not help. For the first time in my life I am struggling to continue reading a book I am interested in. Nothing seems to hold my attention for long. Even a fairly long post on Facebook has me impatiently skipping it.
All this is well and good, but when I find myself trying to hurry up a story, or on the verge of screaming for someone to just shut up, I know I have reached a rather desperate point. What is it that I am in such a hurry for? Why all this impatience? There is absolutely nothing that is urgent. I have all the time in the world, and really nothing that needs to be done. So why this irritability, impatience and restlessness? I can only attribute it to another phase of grief. A very strange phase indeed.
Maybe it is the fact that I have so many things planned, but still have a few days before the implementation of those plans? No. Why should looking forward to some entertainment make me feel like strangling my friends? And they are such really lovely people, but the only thing that kept me entertained today was imagining how I would kill each one of them.
The only time I wasn’t feeling like killing someone today was when I was at the shop where the technician was showing me how to set up my e-printer. How strange is that! I am really technically challenged, and for me to be interested and not at all impatient when facing a technical situation, is totally alien to my character! OMG, am I changing that much? Will I wake up one day and find myself queen if nerdom? I sincerely hope not. I would much rather kill all my friends and be tried and executed, than become someone actually interested in technology! A fate worse than death.
For the past couple of days I have been so restless I could not sit down long enough to do any sort of work on my proposed book. I start then find myself impatiently skipping whole paragraphs. How can I edit it that way? I cannot even write rationally. So here I am, venting, trying to get whatever little devil that is driving me crazy, out and gone. Hope this purges my soul and I regain my serenity. This little storm of anger, impatience and irritability, if it continues, might make me lose most of my friends and family. Up till now I have been able to curb my tongue, but if it continues, who knows.
I am hoping to blame my mood on the weather. It has been fluctuating so drastically, one minute scorching heat the next a huge drop in temperature and cold, cold winds, followed by drizzling rain then swings back to scorching heat. This alone is capable of pasteurizing one’s soul. So maybe it’s a good idea to blame it on the weather and get myself off the hook.
“Your Honor, everything was going very well, but I suddenly had to strangle her because the weather took a turn”. Very plausible! Ah well, haven’t strangled anybody yet, but just to be on the safe side, maybe I should avoid my friends till I manage to regain my serenity. After all I don’t want to lose them, one way or another.
15 April 2014