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For the past few weeks I have been sleeping very deeply because of some antihistaminic medication and have been dreaming a great deal. The best part of that is that I have been dreaming a lot about my Mom. She has been visiting me a lot in my dreams.
When I first lost her I felt so alone and so bereft, so lost and the anguish of never seeing her again was devastating. But now I see her practically every night. Nothing earthshaking or dramatic. My dreams are very mundane, very everyday sort of incidents, like her making a remark about the weather, or asking what there is for lunch, asking me if I was going out, or telling me not to be late. What is surprising is the way I feel during the dream, the security and safety of having her around, that feeling that I took for granted all the time she was there and which I missed so sorely after she was gone. I got that feeling back in my dreams.
Although my analytical mind is anxious to find a reason behind my dreams, yet my conscious mind does not want to spoil it. I don’t want the dreams to stop, I want her with me again and I revel in that warm feeling of security and love which she always gave me.
A very dear friend of mine just lost her Mom and this has me so scared of the feelings of loss that might return. I feel for her so strongly and in doing so my own feelings might re-surface. Yet I still dreamt of my Mom last night, and it was still a very calm, reassuring dream. Strangely enough it is not my Mom of the last few years, but my Mom when she was in full physical and mental health, the time when we both had this fantastic rapport, when our sense of humor and our sense of the ridiculous were at their peak.
The strangest part of this situation is the fact that although by morning I cannot remember the exact dream, yet that feeling of security and warmth I had in the dream lingers on throughout the day. I would have thought that it might cause me to feel a sharper sense of loss, but no, on the contrary, it leaves me satisfied and steady.
Probably the reason I don’t want to closely analyze it is because I really don’t want to lose this feeling of secure love which she always gave me, and which has now returned to me. The human brain is really a miracle, and the lengths we go to with our illusions to help us with feelings of inadequacy is amazing.
Nine months since she passed away, and Christmas is approaching. She had continuously drummed into my head that after she is gone I should not stop the celebrations and inviting my guests as usual. Every year I give a Christmas dinner around this time, and another lunch on January 7 for Coptic Christmas. I shall continue to do so in her honor and to keep her wishes, although this year it is a difficult and deliberate effort, yet I shall keep it up for her sake.
Tomorrow is the funeral of my friend’s Mother and I am dreading all the feelings it will rake up. I cannot not go. That would be cowardly. But again I am really dreading the going. Life can sometimes be so hard, but I have been through worse and hope to weather it with dignity at least.
I hope my dreams of my Mom continue. Sometimes she even flits in when I doze off in the evening while watching TV, and once or twice I start awake after hearing her voice asking me if I am asleep. Although at the time she passed away I could not believe those who told me that I will have her back, yet now, here she is. And although she is still only there when I am half or completely asleep, yet she still is there, the essence of her presence, the feelings that are evoked by her proximity are all still there.
Now I am secure in the knowledge that I shall never lose her again. Her poor ailing body has been shed but her spirit, her soul, her being, her love, her presence, her warmth, all still there, intact, surrounding me and keeping me well. Thank you God for the gift of her during her life and for the miracle of her now that she is with You.
17 Dec 2014