My life has settled into its own kind of routine. Not really boring as it is full of variety and full of friends and family. The dogs take a large part of that life. With my Terrible Trio life was a roller coaster. With the Daring Duo, it’s a tamer kind of repeat of the first batch. Unlike the Golden Retrievers, the German Shepherds are somewhat tame. That they filled up my life is an undeniable fact. Then why this restless depression?
Ever since last February I have been under pressure with the litigation going on with the compound where I live. It is unfortunate, but I find myself in the unenviable position of symbolising to a large number of my neighbours the fight against everything that is unacceptable in this compound. It is unfortunate because it is a position that I never wanted, and which is now causing a great deal of misunderstandings. If only they knew how much I would love to give it up.
This is nothing new. I take it all in my stride. I am used to it.
So what is the problem? Why this hovering feeling of depression and loneliness? I am even starting to have problems with my food. It feels like a recurrence of the grief I went through last year. Could it possibly be that? After all I have accomplished? And with everything that has happened?
The subconscious mind is fascinating. For some time now I have been catching myself regretting every time something new happening that my Mom did not get to know about it. She never met Helen, Troy and Petra. I find myself automatically thinking how much she would have been thrilled with a church that has recently opened nearby. Then the letdown of realising that she never will. She will never get to know Max and Millie, she will never see the beautifully completed desert road. She will never know so many things that I want to tell her.
Yes, I still miss her drastically. How many times over the last few months have I thought of telling her about something only to be taken up short with the realisation that she is no longer there and that I cannot share it with her? Will that be my life from now on? I remember her telling me that several times she would think of calling her sister on the telephone, years after her sister had passed away.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could still communicate with our loved ones who have stepped behind that veil? It would lessen our sense of isolation and loss to a large extent. Of course some people claim that they do. Unfortunately I do not seem to be one of them.
I shall carry on. I shall continue with my life. I shall pick up the threads and weave a tapestry for the rest of my life. What other choice do I have? I shall not give in to the lows. I always believe in the quality and not quantity of life. So long or short I will try to make the best of it.
I shall never forget my Mother. I don’t want to. But not having her here with me is not going to spoil whatever is left of my life.
I will strive to enjoy the beauty life has to offer. Even though I might still catch myself automatically thinking of sharing something with her, I shall not let the realisation that she is not physically here stop me. I shall let her know, for wherever she is I am sure she is near at hand, that she still hovers around me, for to the very end of her existence on this earth she was worried about me and wanted to make sure I was alright. So I am sure she is still there, hovering, making sure that I was well and happy. And that is what I will try to do, for her sake as well as mine.
I hope her soul rests in peace once she realises that I have the strength to carry on and live out my life the best I could.
12 July 2015